poetry · Recent

Finishings

I finished my PhD, finally. After setbacks and missteps, I’m done.

I submitted the revisions for the dissertation on April 27, after defending on March 22. I filed my paperwork, and took all my library books back to the university library.

I haven’t known what to say, about all this. I’m trying my damnedest to process it all, but I’m just sort of… numb? I’ve had moments of relief, disappointment, tears, and crippling anxiety. I’ve even felt happy and sort of proud of myself a time or two.

It’s just been so difficult to process.

After the dissertation defense, I’d made up my mind to stay in Oklahoma for at least another year, adjuncting and doing some soul-searching and figuring out what’s next in my life.

While I was still working on the revisions, a job interview followed quickly by a job offer popped up. So suddenly, instead of staying in a place I’ve come to feel is my home, I’m relocating.

It’s been so difficult to process.

And I haven’t known what to say. I haven’t felt entirely celebratory, even though at times I feel excitement for what’s next.

I was getting a haircut today, and my stylist said she thinks people stop moving and get complacent, that it’s important not to get too comfortable. This is a new stylist, I’d never gone to her before, though I know her from a shared social scene. It’s always odd to me, that the words I need to hear often come from the people I know the least.

And she’s right. It’s time for me to move on, at least for a spell.

There’s no telling what’s next.

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