memoir · Recent

Coming back to the world

I defended my dissertation on March 22, and passed with revisions.

I interviewed for a job at a junior college on April 11, and was offered the job on April 14.

I accepted the job on April 18.

I submitted my revisions for my dissertation on April 27.

I graduated on May 12 with my doctorate in English.

On May 13, I took my cat Miller to the vet to put him to rest. He’d been ill for a long time. That didn’t make it much easier to do.

On May 21, I left to go to the RSA Summer Institute.

I got back on May 28, and since then I’ve had a hard time being in the world. It’s like I reached a point where I could finally rest, and my body and mind said “Well here’s the collected grief of the past seven years. Have fun sorting through it all!”

So that’s what I’ve been doing, for the past few days. I’ve mostly stayed in my apartment. I’ve watched Netflix and read books and texted people. I’ve taken showers, and promptly changed back into pajamas. I’ve eaten, but it consisted of Chinese leftovers from the delivery I ordered on Monday, and after that cereal and crackers and fruit smoothies and some spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar.

On June 1, I made summer goal lists and moving to do lists. I filled out the dates for June in my planner. I swept the floor. I did yoga.

Yesterday,  June 2, I did yoga again. After showering, I put on real clothes for the first time since Monday, May 29. And I cooked dinner–curried lentils and sweet potatoes. I also brewed coffee in my french press and drank it. I planned the first half of my summer class. I looked over my bookshelves and thought about what I want to read, now that I have time to just read for pleasure and rediscover that love.

Today, I went out to eat lunch. Mexican food at this place that gives free queso and salsa with the chips. My friend and I always go there, because it’s some of the better TexMex in Oklahoma, and also because of the free queso. After that, I went to the grocery store and planned meals for the week. I only wanted to cry once or twice, but really, who doesn’t at WalMart on a Saturday afternoon?

I slowly turned my feet down the path to come back to the world, on June 1.

This coming back to the world started with making lists. With making plans.

Writing things down helped me find my way back, though I’m not quite here yet.

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