poetry · Recent

Alone- Why?

I’ve moved to a new place. I’ve written some, in the past three weeks that I’ve been here, but mostly in my journal, and only a couple poems. One, I don’t know if I’ll ever post it publicly, and then this one, I wasn’t sure if I would. I’m dealing with a resurgence of my depression, and I expected it. It’s taking on the form of apathy toward things that I usually love and feel excitement over, so it’s been a little unsettling. I’m still functioning, though, and I know this is just part of the process.  So, here’s a poem I wrote last night after a long work week.

“You moved here
You don’t have
You don’t know

They ask without fail
and I screw on my smile
and recite the reasons:
I just finished grad school
in the spring
This job offer was unexpected
Always wanted to teach
and the valley is just
so beautiful.

And I’m confused
by their confusion
What was I supposed to do?
Stay somewhere
without a steady job?

I didn’t have a husband
or a boyfriend
Nope, didn’t have
a girlfriend or wife
where I came from, either,
and I haven’t lived near my family
–if you call them family–
in over a decade
so I don’t know why
you’re so focused on my
status of alone.

“What brought you here, then?’
This JOB–what else?

Quit asking me why
I’m here, quit
asking me if I’m alone
As if it’s some goddamn
rarity for a woman
to move
alone for a job
instead of following her husband.

Yeah, I’m alone.
It’s me and my cat and
a thousand pounds
of books
and my tears on the highway
every night as I drive
back from work
because I came here

And I’m having trouble
feeling anything but
having trouble even
feeling this sadness,
ever since I came here,
because even my heart
doesn’t seem to be here.

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