17/30: Staying Alive
It requires so many decisions.
Every day, so many choices.
How do we even do it?
Drink water and eat.
Every day.
Multiple times a day.
But the water is contaminated
and the food is poison,
so be careful about where
your water comes from and
bottled water is environmentally
disastrous, but filters don’t get
the arsenic, and who knows
what else is in our water?
Eat the exact right food or
you’ll be blamed for any trouble you have
with mental health, and you’d better
not be fat, because, well, how can
you expect a good life, then?
Starving to some, seems better,
but I just need to stay alive.
I’m just trying to stay alive.
When I was born, I stayed alive
even though the circumstance
of my birth–choking on the life-giving
cord while trying to enter the world running–
suggest that the universe was ready
for me to end before I began.
When, as a child, thoughts of leaving
first entered my mind,
I fought them so I stayed.
I tried to silence the voices that whispered
my worthlessness, and pricked and cut skin
to distract them.
I fought to stay and to preserve myself,
made myself small, made decisions that
didn’t feel right, but felt better than where I was.
Out of the frying pan and into another
frying pan may not make sense, but
you hope that the temperature is cooler,
you hope the oil is shallower so the burns
won’t reach as much of your skin.
You learn, in the end, that dying slowly
is still dying, and you try to get out,
again, but you don’t know how.
I tried to enter the world feet first.
If I was so eager to live, why
is staying alive, such a struggle?
18/30: Just Friends—Right?
Little zing of recognition
Little tingle and flutter of wings
In my belly every time I saw her
And a catch in my breath
When she leaned in to help me
Put on mascara, and sometimes
I wanted, so much, just to touch her
Cheek, and feel her nuzzle her face
Into my hand.
But she was just a friend—right?
19/30: Blessings
Everything happens for a reason
Tragedies are blessings in disguise
So you should be grateful, for it all
You should welcome the lesson.
You are the one who made the choice
Your life is because of what you did
So you should accept it all with grace
And a smile.
But I say, take your blessings and choke.
20/30: Reading
Lost in words and worlds
under covers with a flashlight
When I was supposed to be sleeping.
I stayed in the pages of books
When I was instructed to sleep.
I stayed in the pages of books
Instead of seeing the world around.
I made friends on the pages of books
Withdrew, often, from people of flesh.
People on the pages of books
Couldn’t really hurt me, no matter how monstrous
And maybe if I stayed in pages of books
Through the dark of night
Until the light of morning,
Maybe, nightmares would stay
On the pages, too.
Ink and Vein 