21/30: Memorization
Remembering was an obsession.
How to spell, the words crafted from letters,
stored up in my brain,
The overpowering urge to just
become the dictionary as I pored
over the pages…
From words I memorized sentences, too,
and poetry could be heard
tripping from my lips all day long
Until my parents begged me to
quoth the raven, nevermore…
Song lyrics, scripture verses,
formulas for math equations,
facts about random and
seemingly disconnected topics…
I stored it all away, taking them out
as if information was a tangible object
I could hold.
Memorizing memories, trying to remember
What happened, when, and how so I could take
out the moments, look at them, and believe myself.
Memorizing facial expressions, body language
Tone of voice, so that I could compare
to other times, and find a pattern, a formula,
To see it coming, again, to solve the mystery of
“Why this time?” so that I could learn how
to prevent the next outburst.
All through memorizing, and
remembering, just right.
22/30: Anger
Fist clench, muscles tense
Property damage on my mind
If someone crosses me, right now,
I’ll brawl even though it’s been years
Since flesh gave way under my knuckles
Rage boiling up from deep in my gut
I’ve kept it down so long
I breathe through it
I chant “ohm shanti shanti shanti”
I wish for peace. I practice compassion
And underneath it all anger
lives in my blood
lives under my skin
lives in my bones
Anger lives curled up with shame
Around the parts of myself I had to hide
The parts of myself I still have to hide
sometimes
And the anger is always there
Even when I don’t feel it
The anger is always there, curled up
With my shame. Anger directed inwards
Anger always there driving me to fatigue
And driving me to light a match
So I can watch the whole fucking world burn down.
23/30: Be a Peacemaker
“It’s your job to be the peacemaker.”
This is what my father told me,
when my brothers, both older,
fought and argued.
be a peacemaker, is what I heard
at church, what I’ve continued to hear
throughout my life.
Keep the peace. Help people understand.
Or, better: avoid all unpleasant topics,
to ensure no conflict at all.
Be a peacemaker, or you’ll get spanked
when your brothers fight, even though
You had nothing to do with it.
Be a peacemaker—just smile
when teachers are wrong,
when men are sexist,
when he pushes you, again.
Be a peacemaker, and be nice.
No one likes harsh words or
truths and it’s better, easier,
just to whitewash the facts.
Be a peacemaker, even if it means
choking on the blood from your bitten tongue.
No one likes a trouble maker.
So be a peacemaker and stand quiet
while your life is left in ruins.
24/30: Falling in Love
That little swoop in belly
meant there was just something
some special something about you
some special something I wanted
To discover, to get to know.
That little swoop into a dip,
into a swirl and suddenly
there’s a tangled knot that just won’t loosen
Because the nerves I mistook
for butterflies turned out to be
intuition warning me,
waving those red flags
saying “no, no, don’t jump”
because I thought I was falling
In freefall towards you,
Towards your love.
But falling in love was really
just stepping into a trap.
Ink and Vein 