Ink and Vein

That’s it. That’s the post.

Well, it’s not, but it could be, because that’s what it all comes down to.

Writing is hard. Writing about trauma is hard. Writing about trauma when you have to go about your daily life as if everything is fine is hard.

Writing about trauma when current events in your life activate or trigger that trauma is hard.

Writing about trauma—when you’re stressed about your financial situation, when you’re feeling uncertain and unstable in your relationships, when you feel like maybe it’s time to pack up and start over somewhere else, when you don’t have access to medical and mental health care beyond a duo of prescription drugs you take every morning that sort of help but also don’t—is hard.

Writing about trauma that you’re still healing from… it’s hard.

So why do I do it? Why am I writing my book? Why am I writing this story, instead of writing a novel, or short stories, or revising my dissertation? Why am I writing this trauma memoir, this book that explores how I decided to stay alive in spite of wanting to die… why am I writing it?

I’m writing it, in part, because it is hard. I’m writing it because this book demands to be written. I’m writing it because, even when I’m writing something else, I’m still writing this book. This book is writing me, too.*

As I write, I’m relearning myself. I’m taking the opportunity to re-live the experiences, and to allow myself to feel and process them. I’m allowing myself to have emotions (ugh, so inconvenient).

As I write, I’m learning to believe myself, to trust myself.

As I write, my self-doubt and self-loathing flares up stronger than ever. I ask myself why I let things happen, why I was so weak, why I allowed myself to be so vulnerable.

As I write, I hold compassion for those feelings, too. Someday, I’ll be able to fully forgive my younger self for what I didn’t know, and the ways I didn’t value myself. Some days, I feel I already have.

So, yeah. Writing is hard. That’s the post.

*”You’re writing the book, but the book is also writing you.” Katherine E. Standefer, author of Lightning Flowers, during a class session.